"I suck."
"I'm such a bad artist." "Why is this so ugly?!" Sound familiar? I’m writing this for myself just as much as I’m writing this for you. Something I still struggle with from time to time is this feeling of not being in the place that I want to be in as an artist, creatively, or just generally not feeling like a good enough artist because I’m not able to do X, Y, Z yet or whatever other reason I come up with. And then I complete a painting after working on it for days and when I decide it’s finished, or simply when I get bored of it, I sometimes have this habit of “throwing in the towel”, thinking of how much I hate the painting I’ve just created and immediately regretting making all of the decisions I made along the way. And I mean, sure, I can go back once the painting is dry (days later...we're talking oils here), and fix any "mistakes" I've made or change this or that, but fact of the matter is- I still have this unwavering feeling of 'this will amount to nothing better' while I work on it. And that's the problem. So I’ve been teaching myself, ever since I got into this whole business of being an artist back in July 2018, how to look at a piece of art that I’m insecure about and find treasure as oppose to feelings of not being good enough. And to be honest, this feeling I get every now and again of not being good enough definitely stems from some past issues in regards to my childhood and all that jazz so I understand where these insecurities derive from, however, that doesn’t stop me from feeling it in regards to my creative process and that’s something I’ve learned how to tackle. That’s what I want to share with you today. How I tackle those insecurities.
So, here’s what the insecurity looks like, maybe it looks this way for you: I start the painting either feeling really pumped up about it or hesitant because I already have the nagging thought of "what if this doesn’t come out 'right?'" And then I get these thoughts, after feeling the initial hesitancy of, what if it doesn’t look right at the end of me creating and I’ve used up this brand new canvas? Or I’ve used up these expensive oil paints? Yada, yada.
Now let’s focus in on the main term here: “right”. What if this painting doesn’t come out right? What exactly is right when it comes to art anyway? That’s what you have to look at first. What is “right” for you? What makes you feel that a creation is “right” when you’re finished with it? Is it the way it makes your heart skip when you're done? Or the way it takes your breath away and makes you go, "damn." But what is it in that creation- for the sake of this blog entry, let's say it's a painting- what in that painting makes you feel that it's "right"? Is it the brush stroke over on the left under the crimson blending? Is it the complimentary color scheme you used? Is it the composition, the mood? Identify those things because they're important. Those things are your treasure. Hold on to that, I'll get to those later. So, what makes that piece stunning, perfect and worthy of a "damn" as opposed to this other one that's making you feel you're not a good enough artist? Most of the time, this comes down to small things like "well, I wish I didn't use that horrible neon yellow." or "I wish I blended that part and kept this other part impasto." or "I wish, I wish, I wish..." and then those wishes turn into, I have no idea why I added that teal; what a bad blending job; I should've been more patient with that part there, and those thoughts turn into, what's wrong with me? why didn't I do it this other way instead? I'm really not that good of an artist; why can I only do one good painting a month? Maybe I just have a lot to learn and so I'm not good enough 'yet'. So we went from "I wish I didn't use that neon yellow" to "what's wrong with me" all in about three seconds. The truth is, you are a good enough artist. No, really, you are. Let that sink in, because it's completely true. You ARE a good enough artist. Because there is no 'right' and 'wrong' with art. Being right or wrong isn't a thing with art because art simply is and should always be about expression. It has nothing to do with what's right and wrong. You may finish a piece that takes your breath away but then you have others who won't even glance twice at it. Does this suddenly make your piece horrifying and not worthy of a "damn" anymore? Absolutely not. It just means they didn't like it because art is subjective. Therefore, what you create is in fact, good enough. Here's the thing...it's not even about "good enough" or "not yet good enough". Remember, you are good enough and you're exactly where you need to be in your creative process. It's about what you love (those things that make you go "damn" or take your breath away) but also, it's about looking at your regrets as lessons. The lessons are your treasures. That's how you shift that perspective of insecurity. Those things that you regret? "I regret that yellow", "I regret that brush stroke", "I regret x, y, z"; rephrase those thoughts to "I've learned that (fill in the blank). So from now on, I'll (fill in the blank)" For example, "I've learned that I don't like using lemon yellow. So from now on, I'll either use yellow ochre instead or do a color study with lemon yellow to discover how to I like to use it." Doesn't that sound better? Doesn't that feel better? You've got to remember that perfection isn't a thing. It does not exist. Perfection is false, it leads us into this trap of insecurity where we strive and strive for hours on end to reach it, only to fail miserably because it isn't even real to begin with! How insidious is that?! So don't strive for "perfection", that's like trying to see air. Instead, when you finish a creation and insecurities start to crop up, transmute that into gold. You're an alchemist, darling. Everyday (or whatever your creative schedule looks like) you take several elements, be it paint, water or brushes and from those elements, you create a whole new element- a painting, a sculpture, a book, etc. That's a magical alchemic process and it was all done by you! And literally, the only way for you to learn new ways of doing things, what colors you don't like using (or do), what tools work in your favor, so on and so forth is through what you may consider "failure" or "regrets" or "not good enough". To finish this up, I want to list a few things I've learned along my creative journey that has helped me trust my process and look for treasure instead of seeing failure. 1. First and foremost, art is about being able to express ourselves. Why did you start creating to begin with? Was it because you wanted to stand there, day after day, frustrated at the outcome of your pieces and wishing you were a "better artist"? Of course not! Why would anyone willingly choose such a life?! I'm pretty sure, like most of us, you started creating because you loved it. Because it made you feel good. Because it gave you an outlet, a 'way out' from the realities of life like paying bills or grieving through the death of a loved one. Because it was fun. Sometimes, due to our own pressure or the pressure we can get tangled in through social media or how person a, b or c is doing it gets in our way and we lose sight of why we started in the first place. So find that path again! Remind yourself why you started, for pure expression and joy, and master that. Once you've mastered that- everything else will fall into place. I assure you. 2. If I don't like where a painting is headed, I do one of two things, depending on what I feel my intuition is telling me to do. The first is, I stop dead in my tracks and walk away. Remind yourself that it's okay to take your time. This isn't a race and once you start feeling those insecurities creeping up and you're finding yourself pounding the brush against the canvas out of frustration and impatience (or sheer boredom), just stop and pick it up later or tomorrow. You need to make sure you're signaling to your subconscious mind that art and creating, your studio (or in my case, a desk in my living room) is a safe and fun place that allows you to express yourself freely. This is not the place to feel impatient, bored, upset, etc. Because once we allow ourselves to infiltrate that space with those emotions, we won't want to go back there, we won't want to create and in comes those pesky creative ruts. Now the second thing is the complete opposite. I keep going. I breathe, put on some music, make myself a cup of tea, maybe even stretch a bit and pick up the brush and keep painting. I work through the insecurities, cave into the music and allow my hands to do whatever they feel like doing in that moment. I just pick up any ol' color I'm feeling drawn to, any ol' tool. I let go of my logical "color theory, composition, harmony" entirely and I emotionally and intuitively drop into my creative process. I don't care what logic says, I just do. 3. Remember that analogy I used about "throwing in the towel"? Well, guess what? You don't have to! Because this is your creation, you get to decide whether or not it's finished. I can sit there, upset at the way a piece turned out and throw in that towel, never touching it again or I can decide to not look at it for a week so that maybe my perspective changes and if it doesn't, I can simply go back and fix that. Literally. You can actually paint over something you don't like! Sometimes I get so frustrated with the process that I don't even think of this, even though I'm fully aware of it. 4. Lastly, I either make a mental note or jot down in my art journal the lessons I've learned. This is particularly true if this is a piece I've been working on for days and I feel those insecurities creeping up once I finish it, even after putting it away for a week and ultimately deciding I didn't want to work on it anymore, that it in fact is finished but I just don't like it. Moral of the story here is: IT'S OKAY TO MAKE ART YOU DON'T LIKE. Not liking something is not the same as something being bad. You don't have to like it. Really, you don't! You may be going, "well then, what's the point Dianna?!" The point is, were you having fun creating it? Did it feel good creating it? If the latter is true and you still don't like the end result, remind yourself of why you started and that art you don't like equals treasure. Now go and find it. - Dianna x CategoriesAll
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AuthorMy name is Dianna. I'm an indigenous-Puerto Rican artist currently residing in Norway with my husband, trying to make it as an established artist. ArchivesCategories
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